Spaced, the final frontier....

John Hoggard

 

            Space is black, the type of black that sucks your eyeballs out of your skull if you try to stare into it too intensely.  OK it’s got stars in it, but they’re just like punctuation marks on the printed page, white on black instead of black on white.

            Powering through this blackness comes a ship.  Sleek, majestic and silent, because in space, not only can’t they hear you scream, they can’t hear your photons, phasers or engines either. 

            Get ready now, it should pass quite close.

            Here it comes, navigational shields glowing faintly as individual atoms of hydrogen are obliterated, split into their sub-atomic components with an ease that would enable a 20th Century particle physicist to start forming his acceptance speech for the Nobel prize.

            Notice the slight shimmer around the ship’s edges.  Warp distortion field, or a hundred unresolved time travelling paradoxes catching up with the scriptwriter....

            Read the name written proudly upon the curve of its saucer section.  That’s right, “ENTERPRISE”.  No over used Nebula or Excelsior class ships in this tale.  This is the one and only U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D, still intact, in all her pre-Generations glory.  You deserve nothing less.

            Hold on here we go....

 

            Despite the fact the ship is travelling at several hundred times the speed of light, we catch it with ease.  If only the Romulans had thought of this.  Watch this you’ll like this.  See the dome on top of the saucer, that’s the bridge.  Now pay attention, this is quite an expensive special effect.

 

            Impressed aren’t you.  Did we break anything?  No.  Trigger an alarms?  No.  Anyone or anything aware of presence?  What do you mean Guinnan?  Alright, apart from Guinnan?  No.  Good.  Now watch.  This is why you’re here.  This is still the bit before the titles start, so make the most of it, this is often the best bit.

 

            The bridge is semi-illuminated.  Most of the cast regulars are missing.  Only Lt. Commander Data is not an extra.  He sits in the command chair normally occupied by Picard.  If Data were prone to such thoughts his sensitive dermal layer would have noticed the slight depression left in the seat of the chair by Picard, and from this he would have concluded the Captain had a big arse.

            A young, female ensign hands Data a PADD which the android scans instantaneously and hands it back with a nod.  The ensign will play no further part in the story, she was there merely to distract your eyes away from the turbolift.  The doors of which have just opened.  

            Picard steps onto the bridge.  Data turns to his commanding officer and rises from the chair.

            “Computer, return bridge illumination to normal,” commands the android.

            With a hum of increased power the lights around the bridge brighten considerably.  Out of camera shot several extras are forced to squint until their overworked pupils adjust to the new lighting conditions.  Picard doesn’t squint, but that’s because he’s the Captain.

            “Anything to report Mr. Data?” asks Picard.

            Data decides to play it cool.  Apart from confirming every suggestion Geordi makes throughout the episode, this is probably the most he’ll get to say for the remaining thirty-two minutes of air time.

            “It has been quiet Captain,” replies Data.  Good.  Good, no point in rushing straight into it.  “I deem only one or two items worthy of reporting.”

            “Please continue Data,” replies Picard in those wonderfully English, sorry, French, sorry, European tones of his.

            “The Enterpise’s Main Computer picked up several virus’s, along with a nanite infestation in core sections thirty-six through thirty-nine.  I sent Lt.  Barclay to investigate but he began to stutter badly and he fled to holodeck three.  He somehow managed to override the command rountines and has in effect locked himself in.  Unfortunately his interference has caused a system wide failure of the mortality overides in the rest of the holodecks and several non-Starfleet extras have been torn apart, blown up, or squashed by their own holodeck creations.”

            Picard looks aghast, but Data is in full flow now and unstoppable.  Data changes stance slightly before continuing.  Only the forethought of Soong to include an overacting circuit (overridden by that damned emotion chip) prevents a Groucho Marx accent from kicking in.  Now Data is slightly crouched, holding an invisible cigar to his mouth while his speech remains normal.

            “The Enterprise was attacked by both renegade Klingons and Ferengi simultaneously.  Both managed to penetrate our shields.  This was because the computer virus in core section thirty-seven deals with the defensive array and therefore the shield frequencies were not rotated[1].  This, coinciding with the fact that Lt. Worf could not hit a barn door if he had been nailed to it first, allowed a raiding party from both ships to board the Enterprise.

            “For the sake of his family honour Lt. Worf immediately resigned his commission and waded into the fray.  After killing two of his fellow Klingons in honourable combat I followed your example and, as the highest ranking officer on duty, I immediately reinstated him.

            “After a brief battle involving the Ferengi’s fighting the Klingons, Starfleet security and indeed themselves, all of the non-speaking part Ferengi’s and Klingons were killed.  The rest fled to their ships and again Lt. Worf failed completely to destroy either ship before they entered warp and despite our sensors being capable of detecting a single human lifeform several kilometres beneath the surface of a planet we were unable to track and therefore follow either ship.

            “Indeed, while trying to track the ships we discovered a single human lifeform several kilometres beneath the surface of a nearby planet.  This turned out to be Wesley Crusher who said he had left the Traveller because all he did was talk about his son[2] continuously and it was driving him insane.

            “After spending several hours on board the Enterprise, solving the nanite infestation and virus problems, this involved beaming the nanites directly onto a Borg vessel that had chosen a very inopportune moment to leave its Transwarp Conduit, the crew once again started treating him like a child.  Realising once again that the scriptwriters were clueless when it came to his character he created a subplot of his own and left.  It took several minutes for anybody to notice as the entire crew was watching the Borg ship trying to deal with the nanites converting their entire single consciousness into twenty-four Pentium P60’s.  Despite Intel’s assurance that they should come across a fault only once every million years the ship destroyed itself only four point two seconds later.

            “The only major plot device we have yet to come across Captain is Q”

            “Oh really,” said a voice from out of thin air.

            “Piss Off Q, we’re busy,” snapped Picard.

            The voice did not speak again.

            “So all in all Mr. Data, nothing out of the ordinary?”

            “No Captain.  Captain?”

            “Yes, Mr. Data.”

            “Why do you call me Mr. Data, when you refer to the rest of the crew by their rank?”

            “Do I Mr. Data?”

            “Yes Captain.”

            “I’m sorry about that Mr. Data, I shall stop doing so immediately.”

            “Thank you Captain.  Captain?”

            “Yes M..Commander Data.”

            “I wish Tasha were here....”

            “Yes, we all miss Lt. Yar very much.”

            “....I mean I have failed to prove that I’m fully functional with anyone since the first season.  Some of the crew are beginning to talk.  If I hear ‘Pink Alert, Pink Alert!’ one more time I shall...I shall...write a subroutine which will allow me to act as though I am very angry.  Now why didn’t I think of that before?  Wow, a contraction.  Did you hear that Captain,  I said ‘didn’t’.”

            “Yes Data.”

            “Wouldn’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t, can’t......Hey, this is easy!”

           

 

            As the scene fades to black, Picard is shaking his head.

            Here, comes the music.

            You’re on your own....

            Enjoy...