Brian Medhurst

  

   

Friday 13th October.

I hadn't been looking forward to the tax inspector coming in.  I just knew she'd find all those irregularities in our procedures which I knew about but Colin my boss who hated paying tax wouldn't let me change.  I didn't know which was worse, pretending I didn't know the rules and looking stupid or admitting to knowing exactly what they were (when quite clearly we were breaking them) and appearing dishonest which is completely against my nature.

My mother (God rest her soul, she only died last year) always said I was the most honest of her children.  Mind you with a brother like Kevin and a sister like Maggie that's not saying much.  Jesus I'd never buy a car from Kevin.  He's got a yard down Walton Street behind Tesco's.  He does all right out of it too but he doesn't think twice about turning the clock back or giving you ropy tyres.  And as for Maggie.  Why if she ever comes to stay with me I don't dare leave any cash lying around.  (That is not if I hope to see it again after she's left.)

I drove to work feeling pretty despondent.

''Perhaps it won't be too bad.'' Suzie my girlfriend had said over dinner at Luigi's the night before.  ''Perhaps the old cow won't find some of the things.''

I didn't hold out much hope.

(I know these tax inspectors, they're leeches, uncaring unfeeling automatons.)

And of course I was right. I have to admit Miss Earnshaw knew her stuff.  She found every bloody discrepancy, every bloody omission.

''You'll be getting a letter about this,'' she said.

So where was my boss Colin all this time?  No sign of him of course.  Buggered off and left me in the front line hadn't he.

 

About 5 p.m. Miss Earnshaw finally left.  I can't tell you what a relief it was to see her olive-green

E-type Jag pulling out of the carpark.  Ten minutes later Colin drove in in his silver Mercedes just as I was pulling on my coat.  He didn't need to ask how it had gone. ( I was a quivering wreck.)

''We'll be getting a letter,'' I said.

''I'm sure you gave a good account of yourself and of the company,'' he said.  ''Come on. Let's go to the Red Lion.  I'll buy you a drink and you can tell me all about it.''

Well I don't get many offers like that from Colin.  (He's pretty tight with his money.)

''I'll have a large Scotch, please. But just the one I'm driving,'' I said when we got there.

Colin wanted all the details. I couldn't help thinking it would have been a lot better if he'd been there but he did buy me three large Scotches.

 

Of course I shouldn't have had them as I was driving.  Going down the main road home I looked in my mirror and there was a police car behind me.  Oh shit I'd been banned from driving for a year once before.  If I was caught this time it would be a three-year ban for sure.  I wondered if was wobbling at all.  My head was a bit fuzzy as I concentrated on driving as steadily and as straight as possible but the police car was still there.  There was a turning coming up on the left.  Kenton and the Blackmoors.  I passed it every day but I'd never been down it. ( Sounded like a seventies pop group.)  I indicated and slowed down doing everything by the book.  I found myself in this really narrow lane with high hedges but thank God the fuzz were no longer behind me.

 

I reckoned if I took the next right it would take me back to the main road.  It seemed to be a long way.  I came to a junction but there was no signpost.  I decided to go right again.  I came to another unmarked crossroads.  This time I turned left.  I'm not sure why.  ( Some kind of fuzzy logic.)  Another ten minutes and I realised I was completely lost.  I thought if I turned around I could probably find my way back the way I'd come.  But it's not that easy to turn around in a narrow lane and it was getting dark now too.  When I reversed onto the verge I didn't see the ditch until my back wheels slid down into it the front wheels lifted up off the ground, the car at an angle of twenty degrees with the horizontal.

 

I couldn't do anything with the car.  At least it wasn't blocking the road.  It was such a stupid thing to have done.  I needn't have gone that far back.  I gave the car a kick in frustration and got out my mobile phone.  At first I thought I'd call the AA but then I decided against it.  They might contact the police.  No it was Saturday tomorrow.  I'd call the AA then. For the moment I'd just ring my brother Kevin and get him to come and get me.

 

''I'm really sorry Mike.  I've got to take a big client to dinner.  Why don't you call the AA?''

I didn't even tell him I was over the limit.  I wasn't giving him ammunition for the next ten years if he wasn't even prepared to come out.

I called my sister Maggie.

''I can't.  Bill needs the car tonight.  He goes to Scottish dancing.''

''Can't he go a bit later?'' I said ( allowing myself a bit of a grin at the thought of her lard of a husband prancing about in a kilt.)

''Oh no. He has to be there on time.  You're in the AA aren't you?'' 

(Alcoholics Anonymous I thought as she rang off.)

''Suzie I'm stuck in a ditch.  Can you pick me up?''

She didn't sound keen.  ''I'd be hopeless.  I'd never find my way down all those country lanes.''

''Couldn't you try? I'm in a bit of a mess.''

''I'm sorry I just couldn't and besides I don't want to miss Corrie.''

I rang off this time.

''Is Colin there?'' I asked. I recognised Jenny Salway from Sales' voice. ''Yes who is it?''  I rang off.

(Colin working overtime again? I knew his wife went out to her drama group on Fridays.)

 

Tuesday 17th October.

I'm pretty fed up. I didn't go to work yesterday and I'm not going today.  They say the car's a write-off.  You'd think I'd hit a brick wall not just gone in a ditch.  Something about the chassis.  The insurance company want to know why I didn't call the AA when it happened and want an official police report on the accident.  Kevin reckons the insurance company won't pay up. He's 'loaned'  me an old Fiesta.  Wants me to buy it.  It keeps stalling in traffic.

 

Wednesday 18th October.

Even more fed up.  I rang up to say I still wasn't coming to work.  Colin wasn't pleased.  He'd had a letter from the Inland Revenue.  Maggie came round to 'cheer me up'.  Kevin had said I was in a bit of a state.

''You ought to see your doctor'' Maggie said. (and took £50 from my jacket when I was out of the room.)

 

Thursday 19th October

I saw my doctor.  He gave me some pills.  Told me not to go to work and to come back in a week.

Monday 23rd October

Get a phone call from Colin.  He's very sympathetic and all that but he's had to pay over the odds to get someone to do my job while I'm off.  The insurance company ring to say they are going to send someone to ''talk to me'' about my claim.  ( Sounds ominous.)

 

Thursday 26th October

The doctor says I'm depressed and signs me off work for a month.  The Fiesta breaks down in the middle of town causing a major traffic jam.

 

Sunday 3rd December

The Vicar bought me a pint. ( Now that's my kind of vicar.  One who drinks brown splits and buys me one.) ''The trouble with you is you're too nice''. he said.  Not the sort of thing you'd expect a vicar to say is it?  ''You shouldn't let people kick you around.''  The doctor had signed me off for another month and Colin had then promptly fired me.  He can't do that said my doctor but he had.  What was I going to do about it?  And as if I didn't have enough troubles Suzie had dumped me when she found out.. 

And then the fucking car wouldn't start when I left the pub.  Right that was it.  I'd had enough.  The worm was about to turn.

 

Monday 4th December

 

9 a.m.

''The Office of Fair Trading Mike?  But I'm your brother.  You wouldn't do that?''

''Being your brother didn't stop you selling me a turkey did it? 

''Look I've got a nearly new BMW.  You can have it for free until we sort out your insurance.  I'll give you a hand with your claim too.  I 've got a few contacts who could help.''

I put the phone down.  That had seemed quite easy.  (It turned out to be a great car too when he brought it round.  Better than the one I'd crashed.)

10 a.m.

''I'm sorry Mike but Colin's busy right now.  said Colin's secretary. 

''Tell him it's about Friday nights.'' I said.

Colin was suddenly not busy. 

''Mike what can I do for you?''

''I want my job back.''

''I'm sorry Mike but ....

''I get my job back or I'll drop your wife a note about you and Jenny.''

There was no reply.  Then the phone was put down.

Five minutes later it rang again.

''You realise this is blackmail.'' said Colin.

''Yes'' I said  ''and I want our tax sorted out properly too.''

 

11 a.m.

Maggie shouldn't really leave her back door open.  I left her a note in her purse. 

I've taken back the £50 you 'borrowed', Mike.

 

That was last year. (It's funny how things turn out isn't it?  Once we'd got the tax right and I'd got myself more involved with company policy the profits suddenly started to grow.  Colin's just made me a partner. )

 

Suzie rang me up the other day to 'see how I was'.  I told her I was busy which I was - with Rebecca. 

 

Kevin's business has gone upmarket since my threats too.  He sells all his cars with a three-year warranty and now he's really raking it in.

''It's all thanks to you Mike you know,'' he said just the other day.

 

Maggie never said anything to me about the £50, but she did get herself a job soon after.  Quite a good one too.  I thought I'd test her out by leaving some cash lying around when she came for a visit at the weekend.  She didn't take a penny.  She seems so much happier nowadays, much more confident and self-assured than she was.

I haven't seen my doctor for months but I did see the Vicar on Sunday and I bought him a brown split like I do every week.