The Lion and the Asp

Brian Medhurst

In those perplexing first few months after their wedding relations between Justinian and Theodora steadily became less strained, but she still could not look him in the eye easily in full daylight without both of them becoming self-conscious.  She could not help it.  She tried not to show her feelings but they were too deep-rooted.  It was better in the evenings in shadows or in bed in the dark when their bodies merged.  For despite her initial worries sex with Justinian was something she not only tolerated but began increasingly to enjoy.  He was a patient lover and skilful in the variety of ways he employed in arousing her.

     Justinian liked Theodora very much as a companion and a lover but for the most part he pretended not to care whether she liked him or not.  He had been living with his deformity for nearly nine years now and he knew he was not a pretty sight.  After all it was a political marriage he told himself.  The girl was very attractive and he would bed her but there was no need for him to get to know her or to open himself up to her.....to talk about the darkness in his soul....that would be too painful.  In his blinkered way he had not expected her to want to know; he had not considered that she would want to understand him. She was different  from what he had expected, more enquiring, more interested in him as a person. And she was perceptive, astute. Sometimes she seemed to understand a situation better than he did himself. He realised that it wasn't just that he himself had changed; Theodora provoked him, she was a stimulus to him.  And he didn't just mean sexually he thought smiling to himself, although she was certainly that too.

     After all he did not understand himself fully and he had never really opened himself up to anybody.  When he had been Emperor, deep down he had always wanted to, but his father Constantine had brought him up to keep his own counsel once he became Emperor, not to rely too much on anyone else, and to trust nobody.  After his deposition Cyrus and Honorius had got close to him, as had Michael, and more recently Harald but they had not been able to plumb the depths; the chasm was too deep.

     So it was in their lovemaking that Justinian and Theodora first began to communicate, to experience the emotions and passions of the other; Justinian's tenderness, Theodora's compassion.  In the light of day they were awkward with each other still and spent much of their time apart; but steadily as they talked in hesitating stunted sentences and discovered common interests, bewilderingly, and to each other's surprise, they began to enjoy each other's company more. The damage to Justinian's tongue was minor in comparison to his nose and although he had a slight speech impediment he always had plenty to say.  At first they would walk in the hills behind The Mimosas, by the Sea of Azov by the estuary of the river Layra or in the reed beds by the marshes.  But it was the reed beds that soon became their favourite.  Theodora loved the marshes and their wildlife.  Justinian liked them too but mainly because Theodora became more animated and he was more likely to persuade her come to his bed that evening.  He was prepared to spend time entertaining her towards that end.  What came as a surprise was that it was no chore.  He liked being with her there too.

     'Maybe it's because it reminds me of where I lived when I was a little girl,' Theodora said taking her husband's hand.

     'I thought I had everything where I was brought up,' said Justinian 'but there were no grebes or otters there.  I don't even remember even seeing swans in the city itself.'

     'And so do you think you missed out on all that wildlife?' she asked.

     'Oh definitely,' he said putting his hand on her bottom.  She giggled.

Before long their walks would get longer and they would spend hours discussing trivial matters such as how they should decorate the new society room or what affairs there were among the servants.  But then they would move on to weightier matters such as architecture, history, law, politics, economics and inevitably religion.

     In the beginning not surprisingly Justinian was very much the teacher and Theodora the pupil as her experience of world affairs had been very limited but to her delight Justinian was not at all condescending to her and he even took note of her opinions.  Soon she could not get enough of the discussions they would have.  This man was widening her horizons, changing her whole outlook on life.  Her communications with Michael were informative but nothing was ever discussed.  And so her conversations with her husband became very special to her.  And Theodora was especially intrigued by what once had motivated Justinian and by what still did.  She could not help but notice the hold he seemed to have over some people, particularly other men.  How Michael, Honorius and Harald and others seemed drawn in by him.  She grew to respect him and yes perhaps she could love him, perhaps she did a bit already.

     But Theodora was reluctant to commit herself fully at this time, to build her hopes too high.  She had no crystal ball but somehow she did not feel that their marriage could last.  She knew from her mother that the wedding had caused ferment in Constantinople and that it was probably only a matter of weeks rather than months before Tiberius Apsimar moved against them.  She was still not sleeping.  Six weeks after their move to Phanagoria as she lay listening to the crickets at five in the morning she thought how much her life had changed in such a short time.  She had once been so contented.  And now she had a husband she was afraid to love, one she still found difficult to look full in the face and the world was a more dangerous place.  And yet .... she wasn't sure she wanted to go back.  Now that she was learning about the world there was so much more of it she wanted to see, to go to new places and meet new people.  And Justinian.....?  What about him?  He was so strong and yet so vulnerable, so....so frustrating!  And maybe she loved him. Oh why wouldn't he talk to her about his past, about what had happened to him?

     On one occasion, and on one occasion only, when their relationship was just beginning to be something special she had tried to force the issue, tried to make him confide in her.  He had become increasingly irritated by her probing and in the end he had shouted at her

     'Why can't you leave me alone, woman?' and he had stormed off in a rage leaving her upset and miserable. 

      For a day she had hated him for his unreasonableness, for his arrogance, for his pride or whatever it was that made him behave in such a manner.  But then just when she was thinking she would never be able to stay with someone so inconsiderate, so self-centered he had suddenly come to her and apologised profusely , even begging her forgiveness.  He told her how he had always been subject to bouts of anger particularly when he had been Emperor but he was better at controlling it these days; it had been very wrong for him to behave like that with her.  She gained some insight into the black moods which still affected him and if she had not known before she knew now that she had married a tortured soul.  She held him tightly to her as if he were her child and not her husband and she wanted so much to ease the pain.  But she knew now she would not be able to ask him directly about his past.  She would have to find out some other way.